Taking the Fork in the Road

 

               When you come to a fork….                    Courtesy fallforward.wordpress.com

If you had been a fly on the wall, listening to our discussion, you might have come away with this conclusion:

Finding a new path after leaving a longtime career is a bit like hiking in a forest with few trail markers -- and no GPS.

You know that any trail will take you through interesting scenery, but which one to choose? Walking through the forest with some buddies lends support to your decision. Also helpful is not worrying about the destination.

As they say, “It’s about the journey.”

Or as Yogi Berra said, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

Thirteen of us recently chewed over this transition issue, each sharing insights and experience.  Judy, a U.S. bankruptcy judge is retiring in five months and just getting over the “terror” of that prospect; Margit, an entrepreneur who loves running a small company is contemplating a different challenge; Sharon and Cece, who had full time jobs when our Project Renewment group first met, worked up the courage to drop to part-time; Essie, a hearing specialist, Tobi, a scientist; Jean, a business school instructor, and Barbara, who carries huge responsibility in a large non-profit, still love their work, but want a glimpse of what’s around the bend.

Three others (Carol, Carole and Shellie) left their careers years ago and have considerable experience if not expertise in what’s on the other side.

As for me, now two years out, I’m plunging ahead on many fronts – and feeling a bit lost in the woods.

On the pull of work, aka "I don't clean, cook, shop…."

Margit, for one, has never spent time at home and doesn’t relish the idea of doing so. “My whole life, I got up in the morning and went to work. I took a month off when I had my kids,” she said. “I do nothing around the house. I don’t clean, cook, shop, nothing. I never have. I get no enjoyment out of that. I don’t know what the next phase will look like…I need to figure out what will even appeal to me. I don’t know what I want.”

For Essie, Thanksgiving with 30 people reinforced her determination to keep working pretty much full time. “I was so glad to go back to work on Monday and it wasn’t because I was tired.” The holidays, she said, “were  a long time at home.” On the other hand, work offers  “a place to go. I have an excuse to be out of the house, to have a routine, to have this definition of time where I’m supposed to be somewhere and I don’t have to be home looking at all this sh--. That I don’t like to do. And I get paid for it. I like to get paid for what I do. What’s wrong with that?”

Yes, concurred Cece, “There’s security about being able to get up and go to the office.” At work, “you’re focused.”  

The prospect of losing that focus – and identity --  is what brought Judy, a bankruptcy judge who has “loved every minute of it” for 28 years, to our meeting.

“I am retiring May 16. Gulp. The terror I feel about getting up in the morning without getting dressed up and walking out the door,  I’ve sort of gotten over that, I think. I’m excited about prospects and certainly that’s why I’m here.” Still, she said, it’s about “your identity.”

“You’ve had a working life all these years and you’re intertwined with that.”

Why the fear of leaving work? 

 “We grew up thinking we had to push, we had to achieve,” said Marlyn, a  psychologist. What effect does that early conditioning have in terms of how we face the rest of our lives? The fear of not doing something. The fear of finding something that you think is really meaningful. I think you’re dealing with some really ingrained issues.”

Taking baby steps into the thicket

Said Sharon, a speech pathologist: “What really helped me the most was that I began thinking about the process.” Sharon decided she wanted to retire from the hospital where she worked, “but I didn’t want to retire from working. I loved what I did and felt that I had reached a certain level of experience and expertise and I wanted to keep doing it.” Through planning, she was able to piece together two days a week of work – one teaching and the other seeing patients. “I still feel that I’m contributing and doing something that I love, but I’m no longer rushing.”

Margit, the entrepreneur: “I think we’re talking about doing the kind of work that we find meaningful. A number of people here work in therapy type situations. They work one on one with individuals and their satisfaction is from helping a given individual. Others of us are helping a system or a community.” Either way, she said, satisfaction comes from being “in a

dynamic situation that’s alive and where you can play an important role.”

Still, the trick is to find the venue for that satisfaction. “It’s almost as if we want people to ‘show me THE road,’ but there isn’t one road.”

To quote my neighbor, Ellen, a later-age artist enjoying increasing success and too busy to come to the meeting: “Retiring is like job hunting. You have to go out and research it,” she said. “You network, you meet with people, you figure it out.  If anybody is sitting around feeling like there’s nothing to do, they’re not trying.”

Is there a roadmap? Or just blind turns? 

“Change is the new norm,” said Jean, a business school instructor. “So we can assume that we will not go forward on a straight trajectory, but we’re changing according to what our situation is at the time and maybe that won’t stop.”

Echoing the notion of change,  Margit said,
“I think we look at retirement as a time when we’re going to do The Thing, but maybe I’ll do something for two years and then I’ll lose interest in that and find something that excites me more. I like the idea of approaching it  like looking for a job. But reinventing yourself multiple times.”

Now, the conversation turned my previous blog about Wisty Rorabacher, a woman who transplanted herself from the Ozarks to Greenfield, Mass. Her walk in the woods – a fast-paced jog, actually -- was particularly exciting. Without a roadmap, she just put one foot in front of the other, quickly connecting with others, discovering needs and drawing on her skills and interests to serve her new community. “She didn’t have a roadmap,” I told the group. “It just evolved.”

“It’s scary not knowing what the road is,” said Sharon. “But if you’re kind of there and open to it, then other things come about that touch you and connect with you. You get into it.”

A slow walk or triathlon?

Pace is my particular challenge. ”You want to feel like retirement is the time when you have the time to do the things you really want to do, but then you don’t have the time to do them,” I said.

Quipped Carol K, reminiscing about her dream list. “I haven’t gotten to many of them. I thought I was going to be fluent in French.” Then, she noted that people are who they are. ”People who are over committed are constantly driven. It doesn’t matter if you’re employed or not.

Shellie loves the rushing. “I’m very happy being retired. Don’t ask me what I do, but I’m busy all the time. And I’m still rushing. Maybe it’s because I do too much, and that’s ok, too.”

On friending

The meeting ended in a kind of kumbaya – talking about the importance of  having each other, of having community at this stage of life.

For Shellie, that community is the Y, where she goes every day. “My volunteering is volunteering to be there for my friends and helping them through all the things they’re going through. Of course, they help me with the things I’m going through, too.”

Margit noted the loss of communities as we move on. “A lot of us have communities from our work and a lot of our friends are from our work, so whether or not we’re moving geographically, [when we leave work] we’re suddenly in another city. It’s called the City of Retired. And we have to figure it out.”

And for Barb, who works with many older people in her non-profit, the value of women’s friendship is “clearer and clearer” as she grows older.

“So many people come to the center where they create new groups. Much to their shock and surprise, they find they’re able to make meaningful relationships at any age.”

What are your concerns? What have you learned along your path that you can share with others.

(For previous posts on our Project Renewment meetings, google "Project Renewment" and "UnRetiring")

Looking for Work?

Project Renewment's Helen Dennis (center)

Looking for work? Here are some tips from columnist Helen Dennis, who launched the Project Renewment movement and recently attended a conference entitled "Work@50."
Among the issues she addresses:  the value of skills vs. experience; the importance of a strong CV vs a cover letter (likely not read); and the need for perseverance, perseverance.
Considering that the U.S. government reported that it took about 49 weeks before a workers age 55 and older could find another job last summer, perseverance is key.

Here's her article.
And here are other job hunting resources she recommends:
Life Reimagined
AARP's job search link.
Career Builder
 Execunet 
Retired Brains 
Seniors4Hire
Jobsource
And while she doesn't list it, know that LinkedIn offers a great way to connect to jobs through your longtime network of friends and associates. Many people say that the only way they get interviews these days is by someone putting in a word for them. That's how LinkedIn works. Even though you may not know someone at the company you'd like to work at, a friend of a friend might  know someone or even work there. (That would be a 2nd degree connection on LinkedIn, which takes you out as far as 3d degree connections).
Employers also troll LinkedIn for people with certain skills, so spend some time loading up your profile.
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Do You Feel That You Matter? ... Why? Why Not?

 What makes you feel validated?

Is it work? With pay or without?

Is it just making someone smile?

Do you need others to praise you, appreciate you, pat you on the back? 

Or do you have the ability to feel good about yourself, all on your own?

And then there’s guilt. Do you ever sit down to read a book in daylight?

Feeling validated was the topic at the third meeting of our
Project Renewment group —career women getting together to talk about our transition out of jobs.

This time, 15 of us  gathered in Sue’s living room. Listen in to what happened. Because the conversation was personal and candid, I’m just using first names.

But first,  a concluding observation from Jean:

I go to my book group and we have an agenda about the book, and I go to my French group and we have an agenda about speaking French… Here our agenda is our next step in life, our view of life, our perspective on things and it’s incredibly important.  These conversations will resonate with me.

On validation through work: 

This, of course, is the no brainer. It’s why we keep working, especially if we don’t need the money. And why it can be so hard to step away.

Dotty (former newspaper editor and writer of this blog): I had a lot of respect in my job and people would come to me and thank me all the time for the editing I did with them and the time I spent with them. And now I don’t really have that. And I knew when I was leaving my job that I wouldn’t have that. And I knew it would be hard to find the validation --maybe I’m needy that way.

Essie (works with children with hearing loss): Dotty, when you were talking about the validation, it made me think … I don’t think of needing validation but yet what I do is very fulfilling. Maybe it is validation. It’s not that somebody has to say you’re doing a good job.

Dotty: But you know you’re doing a good job. Your work environment is one in which kids and patients are thrilled that you’re helping them, and you know that. It’s not the words. It’s being in a situation where you know you’re doing the right thing….I think most jobs are that way. It’s when you leave the job and do the next thing...

Carol K. (former businesswoman): I had lunch with a woman who used to be my secretary…. How does she like retirement? She’s fulltime volunteering. She has a schedule the same as when she worked for us but now she’s volunteering.  I said, “So now you’re working fulltime and you don’t get paid?”

Cheryl S. (former librarian; volunteer): I was never a workaholic. I don’t know how you do it all. I wouldn’t want to work that much because then something has to give. I like my house looking a certain way. Cooking is like an artistic outlet. I like to cook meals cause I’m kind of old fashioned, too…

Sue (former breast feeding consultant, now studying to be yoga instructor):  I haven’t worked in awhile. … In certain circles I feel judged. I feel I have to say "but I’m doing this and I’m doing this and I’m doing this." Or I might have to say, "My five year plan. ... "I have to justify my time. That’s one piece of me that has to do that. 

There are other things that I give thanks for. Because I have time, I’m not chained to a position. I’ve been able to help people one on one. People that are sick, having chemo. I was able to help my mother for six months straight because I didn’t have a job I had to go to.

 I find people need something and I often get called and I’m able to say yes.  I say yes so often…. and I don’t have to consult with anyone. On the other hand, I was offered a job part time, the salary was ridiculously high, more than I would ever dream of being paid per hour, and I didn’t really want to do it because it wasn’t about the dollar. If I looked at my finances… they’d say you’re crazy that I retired. Nobody thinks I have enough. But it’s all about what is enough and what you want to do with your time. And it’s really hard sometimes when you’re feeling judged and you have to justify your time. Sometimes you really have to take that breath and stand tall and be yourself. And it’s hard. It is hard.

Betsy (psychologist): You want to feel valued. No matter what it is that you do.

On finding validation in yourself 

Renee (teacher): You have to do a lot of talking to yourself to validate yourself and say this was a good day.

Marlyn (psychologist): You have to get up every day, whether you’re working or not, and say, “What do I value in life? “ and set an intention of what you’re going to do. …You need your own set of
 priorities and to remember what they are and set an intention that “today I’m going to help somebody” or “I’m going to do my yoga today because that’s what I value.” If [doing nothing] is what you value that day, then that’s what you’re setting out to do. You have to say what’s important to me and live your day according to that.

Jean (college instructor and volunteer English teacher): I teach English to Russians. I have been doing it for 16 years and it is as rewarding and gratifying as the much more prestigious teaching that I do. If I go somewhere and say I teach … these old people from Russia, it’s going to sound like, what are you doing there? … But  I love these people. They get a lot from me. I get a lot from them. It is totally gratifying, rewarding, satisfying. And I get more out of it than they do, I’m sure. But that is not the prestige job.

Dotty: There are tasks I do all day long that make me feel good about myself. Even researching what products should go on my deck and spending weeks putting it on. And then going around and saying, ‘Doesn’t the deck look great? … and that’s one of the reasons I can’t relax because reading a book isn’t validating to me. Sitting there fooling around and having fun isn’t validating. So it’s not that I don’t do that once in a while, but it’s not what’s driving me.

Sue: Why is it that the eye of others looking at us becomes our judgment of ourselves? …Why does somebody else have to validate what we do?

Marlyn: Or the question is more, Who do you want to have validate what you do?

Carol K. : I need validation from others much less than I used to. I got exhausted. Trying to be … is exhausting. Plus, it’s not always rewarding. ... I realized one day that I should do for my grandchildren only what brings me pleasure. If I’m having fun with them, then that’s why I should do it. Because if I’m doing it so they’ll love me more, or if I’m doing it so they’ll appreciate it, or I’m doing it because I’ll be the favorite grandmother, it’s not going to work. ... Now if I want to be with them, I’m with them and I have a terrific time with them. And I know they love me and I love them, but my motive is shifted. It’s different now. And it feels better; it’s more authentic. And that way I’m not disappointed because I have no expectations anymore.

Sue: Is it not a gift to walk down the street and smile and to get one back? Did I not just do something? And if I look at my day -- I walked around smiling -- did I do any more or less than the doctor who sat in his office all day and saw 22 patients and asked the same questions?

 About feeling guilty

Carole S. (former teacher): I want to feel validated that I retired. I still feel a little guilty about that. …I didn’t retire on my own terms because I had a health issue. But it was time. … I still feel a bit badly. It took the longest time for me to get used to my clock. I’d go by the school calendar. … It took a long time for me to get over that. Now I just want to know if I’m doing the right thing. I think I am.

Betsy: I found that as I mature or age or however you want to put it, self-validation is more important … making my own decisions and not feeling guilty when I’m at work because I’m not with my family and not feeling guilty with my family because I’m not doing more work, which had been the pattern in younger years. I like going to the office because I get gratification from it for the positive effects for others I’m involved with. But also, I like being able to say I’m going to spend a week or two with my kids and grandchildren and just enjoy it and not feel terrible that I don’t have billable hours. And I do feel fortunate that I don’t feel pressure to bring in the paycheck…. I’m not counting on it to buy groceries. Most people in this world don’t have that choice. And I’m grateful.

Essie: I’m working part time -- working full time. When I had a full time job, I worked all weekend. Now I have a part time job and I work all week. … Why is it always my job that has more work than I can handle? This is me, not the job.

Renee:  I talk to friends and a lot of us are hard on ourselves. One friend retired and she said it was such a difficult year. She might want to read a book but she didn’t feel that she could. After a lot of head work,

Inside the search for "renewment," with Helen Dennis

 “What’s said in this room, stays in this room,” is the mantra of support groups.

But I’m going to give you a peek at some of the conversation that took place recently in my dining room as 20 women gathered to puzzle over where their lives are headed.

Some are still working, some not, but all are grappling with an issue that has been magnified by the size of their generation and the giant societal step these women took in the decades post Feminine Mystique.

Author and columnist Helen Dennis on Project Renewment

After all, they are part of the first tsunami of women who—rejecting the notion that marriage and children is “all there is”-- plunged into careers, left their babies in the care of others, tried to break glass ceilings – or did so.

Now, once again, they are asking themselves, “Is this all there is?”

The group that met at my house is hardly the first to come together to talk about issues of identity, fulfillment, guilt, and more as they begin exploring the next stage of life. The star guest at my house that night -- columnist, author and lecturer Helen Dennis – launched such a gathering in Los Angeles 13 years ago. That meeting has since sprouted into more than 25 similar groups in California and others around the country. Some men’s groups have started, too. Helen even registered a name for this movement --  “Project Renewment,” and wrote a book based on five years of conversations to help groups start.

“Our women weren’t very comfortable with the term ‘retirement,’” Helen told the women at my house.  “So we came up with the name 'Renewment.' It’s a cross between retirement and renewal.  ‘Retirement’  sounds like you’re retreating.  We felt renewment meant vitality, opportunity, creativity, a future. That it was a much more optimistic, uplifting kind of thing.”

So, why the need for a cadre of supportive women to help each other reach that goal?  Listen in – it’s not a smooth journey:

 I’m looking for the next stage and I don’t know what the next stage is. -- a former non-profit executive.

 “I find myself running round on the days that I’m home and running around on the days that I’m at work and there’s no down time.” – a college counselor, now on a reduced schedule.

 “I feel guilty saying no to anyone. I want to please them and be liked.”—a township commissioner.

 I’m still working. I’m looking for what I can do to balance my life and flourish, as Martin Seligman would say. – a child guidance counselor.

 “I’m really busy and yet I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished a whole lot and yet I don’t really care. But maybe I should get more organized.” –a retired school teacher.

As for myself, it’s been a year since I left my job. Here’s the dilemma that I shared:

“I quit working when it wasn’t fun anymore and I was determined to have fun.  Now I’m in pursuit of too much fun. My issue is that I’m jumping from this thing to that thing to the next thing that people ask me to do and I’m exhausted.  Time management is a huge issue.”

To which someone quipped, “She’s still working. Don’t let her kid you. But she’s not choosing, she’s taking assignments.”

Observed another: “You probably want to take advantage of every opportunity because you’re not sure how many are going to come your way and you don’t know how many choices you’ll have.  So you’d better not turn anything down.”

Someone else: Right. So you just jump into anything that comes along.”

Me:  “And it also makes me feel good if someone asks me to do something because I’m needed. I’m valued…I have an identity.”

Another:  “So choosing which of those things… that’s another transition.”

“Do you think the issue sometimes has to do with whether you’re making money? For women, that’s a biggie,” said a woman who oversees one of Philadelphia’s largest community organizations. “If you’re getting paid for something, somehow people put a value on it, especially men and society. And if you’re doing very important work and you’re not being paid for it, the attitude about it is different.”

Then came the observation that I most needed to hear but can’t yet act on:

“I find people in this retirement process are not taking the time to be quiet. They’re so concerned about losing their identity that they’re not making the time to float or drift or be quiet because it’s almost more frightening to them than filling themselves up….”

As Helen Dennis reminded, “We’re the first and the largest generation of women  to define ourselves by our work. And as in so many other firsts for this generation, in retirement,  we have no role models So where do we look for how we do this? The times seem right for Project Renewment.”